Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
