Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i think im in europe. pls send help
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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