i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
