I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
