can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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