Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
