Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
