Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
