two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
