Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
