During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
