i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
