I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My feet surprised me
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