if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
