I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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