Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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