Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
