either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
