Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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