Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
