If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
