He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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