he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
