he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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