I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
