What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think my nap took me to another dimension
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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