why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The air was thick with penises
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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