he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
