tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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