A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
