Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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