flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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