im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
