So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
