I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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