I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
