I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Randomize
