um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
