She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
