he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
