hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
