she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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