I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
