I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
