Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
His nipple licking is glorious
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