My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
