so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
