can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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