So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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