You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
