Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
