Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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