I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
